BATANG MINDANAW: The cruel D

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MALAYBALAY CITY (MindaNews/24 April) — Depression comes in many ways. It’s not always cutting your wrists until you’re drowning in your own blood or overdosing in pills because you can’t find any reason to live anymore.

Sometimes depression is wearing a friendly smile but with tired eyes because you’ve gone weary of the routine. Sometimes depression is ignoring text messages and phone calls because you have lost the energy for forced conversations. Sometimes depression is staying wide awake at night, scared and confused and wondering what’s in store for you years from now.

Sometimes depression is giving up trying to understand what the teacher is saying in front because no matter how hard you try you just couldn’t. Sometimes depression is listening to the same song for hours because it’s the only thing that is keeping you sane at the moment.

Sometimes depression is helping others deal with their own depression in the hopes of dealing with your own in the process. But you weren’t able to help yourself. You only felt emptier because you’ve given away a part of yourself to them but they didn’t in return. You let people in, and they destroy you; you sit there asking yourself why you still bother when clearly it’s only making it worse, but you still do it anyway. Because a part of you clings to the hope that maybe, just maybe, one day someone will finally be willing to understand.

Depression is not wanting to wake up because you know that once you open those eyes you’ll be waking up to a nightmare. Depression is going to school even if you don’t want to and dealing with the mental and emotional breakdowns and panic and anxiety attacks that ensue. It’s that feeling where you’re about to break down any second and no one in the room notices. Depression is when somewhere along the brink of insanity, you fall in love with the idea of destroying yourself.

Sometimes you wish you had an easy answer for why you’re depressed. Like “my father beat me,” or “I was sexually abused.” You then realize your problems are less dramatic than that. But it’s still depression. However, once you start telling people about the demons that you’re battling every day, they’ll just say you’re being overly dramatic or you’re just craving for attention.

Depression is an ugly thing. (Alexandria M. Mordeno, 15, is an incoming freshman at Mindanao State University-Iligan Institute of Technology. She loves to read, write and experiment with the camera during her free time.)

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